Greetings my faithful and fortuitous followers! I trust the preceding weeks have been treating you with a high degree of total indifference. The past 30 days have been … interesting for me. I’ve been chased by large, wild beasts through dark, perverted dreamscapes and am a broken and divulgent man. But enough about working in retail.

No, today is a celebration total molestation of my childhood. You may think that the above image is bad, but have you seen what they are doing with the franchise these days? The show I grew up on featured the most generic bad guy of all time, mutated farm animals, and oh, let’s not forget the giant cyborg with the anthropomorphic brain in his midsection.

I think the charm that made the Turtles such and endearing series to my generation lies in the innocence that the Turtles possessed. It was a kids show in which these mutant ninjas acted like idealized 80’s teenagers. And who else do dumbass kids wanna be like? Idealized 80’s teenagers.

These new shows are trying to appeal to the badass side of children, but there’s no noble sense of duty anymore. They fight bad guys in the anti-hero, “I’m atoning for the sins of my past” kind of way and not the “We actually named our van the ‘Turtle Van’ unironically” kind of way. This is why I want to punch so many kids at the mall. You’re not “hard” or “edgy” or “badass”. You’re 8. And if I call you’re mom over from her Latte-with-an-obvious-shot-of-Bourbon, she’s going to be pissed and beat you with a coffee stirrer.

So I beg you young readers, be wacky and eat a lot of pizza, it’s totally rad.

It’s Pizza (roll) Time,

Lord Dark Numchuck